Perfectionism is a mental block that you need to smash to pieces. Seduction is not like chess—if an outcome doesn’t work in your favor you can’t simply retreat to your books and learn a better opening. It’s messier than that, and if there’s one thing we know about perfectionists it’s that they hate mess.

The best way to rid yourself of perfectionism is to develop a willingness to get messy. Why is seduction so messy? Because, as one blogger put it, “socialization is chaos”. There are more factors than you can comprehend. All the stuff that you have control over accounts for only a portion of your success with women. A lot of times that portion is enough to convert a woman from a “no” to a “yes”, but that doesn’t change the fact that the majority of moving parts aren’t fully visible to you.

Many men who went from having little success with women to much success with women simply mustered the courage to approach. Their batting average improved marginally or even stayed the same—they were just more willing to get rejected and catch some wins along the way.

What they don’t know is that much of what contributed to their successes and failures were invisible factors out of their control. She was well slept (or wasn’t), she was horny that day (or wasn’t), you look and smell like her favorite ex, etc., etc.

In other words, there are always factors beyond your control that help determine the outcome of an interaction. Men, however, often think in binary terms, taking all the credit for their success and all the blame for their failures.

Example: Imagine you’re at a bar with friends and you’ve had a few so your confidence is peaking. There are beautiful women all around you, and one in particular catches your eye. She seems into you too. You approach, converse, buy her a drink. There’s lots of physical touch and mutual flirting. This goes on for a while but suddenly she makes a swift exit to “go find her friends”, leaving you with a kind but dismissive “it was nice to meet you” (read: we’re done here).

Women do this all the time. And yes they’ll do it to the most attractive and engaging men. They come and go like cats, showing intense interest one moment and then vanishing abruptly, leaving you baffled.

The analytically-minded men (i.e, all men) have it in their head that they did something wrong, that maybe they acted too needy or perhaps they weren’t interesting enough. Maybe. The guys who write the books and teach the courses certainly want these men to assume that’s the case, as that’s really the only way they can improve (read: pay for more books and courses).

But also, maybe it’s not true. Maybe. Can you live with “maybe”? “Maybe” is uncertain and uncomfortable, but can you live with it?

Seduction is messy. This thing we call “game” is only a game in the sense that it shouldn’t be taken seriously. It’s not a game in the sense that there are clearly defined players and rules. Sometimes the women haven’t even opted in, and when they have, you might not be her type. And if you are, she might be getting over a breakup. And if she isn’t, she could be preoccupied with work. And if she’s not, you might be preoccupied with work. Besides, you might not be the right star sign. There are so many factors, most of which are incomprehensible.

Clean freaks can develop two strategies to deal with mess: clean it, or cope with it. In seduction, you need to do both. You need to take action and improve (clean it), but you also need to live with chaos (cope with it). As you do both you’ll come to see how these compliment each other: the more you take action (approach and improve) the more acquainted you become with the mess of interpersonal dynamics. And the more you learn to live with the mess, the more you’ll relax and not take everything so seriously and personally, leading you to take even bolder action.

You can start by taking a sledgehammer to that mental block we call perfectionism. It has never, and will never, work for you.