The concept of via negativa (“by way of negation”) is a powerful one. According to statistician and author Nasim Taleb, “we know a lot more what is wrong than what is right…negative knowledge (what is wrong, what does not work) is more robust to error than positive knowledge (what is right, what works).”^[1] 

This applies to sexual polarity, which David Deida defines as “the force of passion that arcs between masculine and feminine poles”.^[2] As a man, you of course want to be masculine, but the surest way to get there is to simply not be feminine.

Not being feminine may sound like a low bar, like something to aim for if you’re playing not to lose rather than playing to win. But the fact is it yields much better results than trying to be masculine. Trying to be masculine is like trying to dunk before you learn to dribble—it’s an absurd pretence that everyone can see through. Sure you might succeed in masculinizing some features of your life (e.g. your hobbies or appearance), but you won’t have strong foundations. A sleeve tattoo won’t get you very far if you still have a feminine voice.

According to W. Anton in The Manual: What Women Want and how to Give it to Them, what it means to “be a man” includes avoiding acting like a woman: 

So what are some feminine behaviors to avoid? My top five would be:

• talking too quickly
• fidgety body language
• overly expressing your feelings
• exhibiting uncertainty / doubt
• neediness

Avoiding these behaviors will get you more success with women than trying to be masculine, whatever that even means to you. Women are often on guard with a man they first meet because they’re trying to screen for two things: whether he’s a creep (read: needy), and whether he’s a woman in man’s clothing (he acts too much like her and her girlfriends). What so many men fail to realize is that these tests are pass / fail(—you don’t need an A+ for non-neediness and masculinity. Just don’t be needy. And for god’s sake don’t be feminine.  

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^[1] Taleb, N. Antifragile: Things That Gain from Disorder

^[2] Deida, D. The Way of the Superior Man

^[3] Anton, W. The Manual: What Women Want and How to Give It to Them